Thursday, September 4, 2008

First day of ?

For 11 years now, I have been a stay at home mom. None of our kids have gone to preschool, so they were home full time until kindergarten. Tommy had his first day of kindergarten last week, and there were no tears, not even a misty eye here. It was exhilarating driving away that morning... knowing I had done a good job, shown all my little chicks their wings and taught them to fly.

Pipo and E.J.'s school had not started yet though, so I was still home with them. Today, the boys went off to school with Fitz and I drove the other 5 off to their respective schools, and after a quick doctor's appointment for Kaleigh, I came home to an empty house. After 11 years, I wondered what emotions would be going through my head at this moment. The strongest one was the most unexpected. Not joy, not exhilaration, not sadness, or wistfulness... it was depression. I sit here now wondering who I am all of a sudden. For all these years I have fully embraced the role of "mom". It was who I was.

Now I am fully aware that I am still a mom, but for 6 hours a day now I need to redefine myself. I will be substitute teaching this year, and I know once I get started, I will feel once more like the teacher I was many years ago. But today I have no role... no purpose. It's a hard feeling to sit here with.

I am beyond excited to see who my kids are turning out to be. No sadness here about days gone by, no more babies. But who am I turning out to be? What have these 11 years given me? Who is going to show me my wings?

People always told me I would probably cry when my youngest went off to school. I always laughed at that, and said "no, not me!" But they were right. I just had no idea why I would be crying. It's not the loss of the babies and toddlers... it's the loss of myself.

* * * * * * * *

And on that note, I am going to pirate a cartoon of my brother's... I only wish it was this easy...

Thanks Jim.


blueliner16 said...

Pirate away!!

I know you are just journaling, but in all seriousness, you are a thousand things besides "mom" to the kids. I am constantly in awe.

Shamelessly Sassy said...

haha. The cartoon is great. Also, I love your blogheader. My daughter stared preschool this week.

mayhem said...

It's hard when an emotional reaction takes me by surprise. If I KNOW I'm going to feel a certain way I can prepare myself! But the sneaky, unexpected emotions? Dang it, they get me every time.

I don't know you in real life but from how you appear through your blog, I imagine you are a person with many, many gifts. You'll find your passion and your purpose in this new phase of life, no doubt!